[NAME REDACTED] BRINGS CAR TO SCHOOL

[NAME REDACTED], a local student, amazed the school on the first day of school by driving in his own car. Why is this amazing, you may ask? Well, here's why:

[NAME REDACTED] took driving education last year, and almost flunked the course. In the process, he retired three of the driving education teachers. He also wrecked six brand new cars.

Since then, not even his own mother would get in a car with him. Some of his “friends,” as he likes to call them, had this to say about this most unusual event:

“It really did surprise me to see him drive to school,” said [NAME REDACTED], a local student. “But you wouldn't catch me dead in it!”

“I don't see why people don't like [NAME REDACTED]'s car,” said [NAME REDACTED], three-time winner of the Mr. Olympia contest. “Just because it has seventy-five antennas and nineteen stereo deck plus a built-in computer and it runs on pig manure!”

[NAME REDACTED] had no comment about the event, but he did tell us that he wouldn't drive the car for the rest of the week, since his computer “Ralph” told him that his seat belt wouldn't work.

[NAME REDACTED] GOES IN THE “NEW ARMY”

[NAME REDACTED], occasional soldier of fortune, announced today that he will enroll in the “new army.”

“I'm doing this for my own good,” explained [NAME REDACTED]. “I'm not intend to jeopardize my physical perfection by joining the regular army.”

[NAME REDACTED] was referring, of course, to the incident that [NAME REDACTED] suffered two weeks ago.

“I really feel sorry for the guy,” added [NAME REDACTED]. “But I would be even sorrier if it was me! Besides, I want to start a family of my own, and if what happened to [NAME REDACTED] happened to me, I'd say that my chances would drop considerably.”

He also announced that we can expect to see him in the pink and lavander uniform pretty soon.

GRAND OPENING OF THE STARR MALL

Since the construction of the new addition to the High School, everybody is curious about the still unfinished “Starr Mall.”

The said Mall has been under construction for quite a while now, and has been the cause of some violence.

It has been called “The Mall behind the Wire-Mesh Wall.” And with good reason: five students have been injured and two more shot to death by guards when they intended to defect to the Starr Mall area.

“They knew that they were risking their lives,” revealed an administration member. “They could have waited until the Mall was finished. Then we would have processed their visas to enter the Mall.”

The speaker also said that the Mall would be completed by October 12, 1999. The Mall's main attraction will be a snack bar that only sells hot dogs.

[NAME REDACTED] UNDERGOES BRAIN SURGERY

[NAME REDACTED], a cheap popper from Camargo, recently went under the knife in order to remove a tumor.

[NAME REDACTED] had developed a “quatres panderas,” revealed Dr. Gimo Enony, a famed brain surgeon. “That it, a tumor that is about the size of a hamburger pattie that is developed after excessive windmilling, that is, spinning on your head.”

The doctor also said that [NAME REDACTED] had some damage in the central processing area of his brain. When asked for his comment, [NAME REDACTED] replied:

“Eebir de-bie bedie redieame notetes toos brankols.”

THE MOON'S NAME TO BE CHANGED

[NAME REDACTED], a local pain in the rump, said today that he had convinced NASA to change the moon's name.

As you may know, the moon is currently called “the moon” and [NAME REDACTED] said he was tired of that name.

“I called my congressman and told him that ‘moon’ was not an appropriate name to call the Earth's only natural satellite,” declared [NAME REDACTED]. “I want it to be something that represents the spirit of this great nation and the American way.”

Some of the suggested names, both of [NAME REDACTED] and other participants, are: Green River Lady; John Wayne Planet; Red White and Blue Moon; Apple Pie Ballon and Harvey or Javi.

[NAME REDACTED] RISKS LIFE TO SAVE FISH FROM DROWNING

[NAME REDACTED], a local bum, saved a catfish from drowning in the Rio Grande River.

“Like, I was walking by the river, you know, like just looking for some food, right?” declared [NAME REDACTED]. “And, you know, I started looking for some algee or something, and, like, I saw this awesome thing in the water, and it looked back!”

[NAME REDACTED] was, of course, talking the fish he saw in the water, gasping for air.

“And then, you know, I like dove in and got the fish to dry land,” added [NAME REDACTED]. “Then I tried some CPR on the fish, but, you know, I couldn't find his nose.”

A veterinarian ambulance was summoned to aid the fish. A medical report later released stated that the fish would have died of toxic contamination had it not been for [NAME REDACTED]'s heroic action.

“Like, I feel that I gave the fish, you know, a second chance,” said [NAME REDACTED] after the report.

WASTED INC. STOPS PUBLISHING OF WASTED MAGAZINE

WASTED magazine has retired from the printing press due to lack of interest, and also by harsh new laws.

WASTED magazine, formerly RDC, WAC, XCL & other idiocies, has been put off the rack since only one artist turned in work to publish.

“I tell these guys to start working, to do some drawings. Hey! Even write something!” stated [NAME REDACTED], the editor of WASTED magazine. “But no, they simply wouldn't do anything.”

The only person that was reported to have turned in some work was [NAME REDACTED] of [NAME REDACTED].

“Like, I told [NAME REDACTED] that he was going to do the magazine again, and I gave him eight, seven stories,” said [NAME REDACTED]. “But [NAME REDACTED] said he was going the easy way, and wasn't going to draw anymore!”

Also, a clause in the High School Handbook says that no unofficial publications would be allowed in the school. When the Council Head was asked why this rule was passed, she said:

“It's not that I don't like it, but if I'm caught reading it, I'll just go by the rule.”

[NAME REDACTED] was reported to have worked on an article for WASTED.

“Inferior work I don't need!” the editor said.